Selfie-Ready Always!

MichelangeloSelfieReady 012

I don’t know about you, but certain cultural trends and novelties are puzzling to me. For example, the mustache craze, the MyLittlePony cult, and why perfectly reasonable women are permanently gluing false eyelashes to their faces when mascara works just as well. Is this because smartphone futzing is even cutting into personal grooming time, so there isn’t a second to put on makeup? It is likely, given that it is estimated women in college spend 10 hours PER DAY futzing with their phones. What, praytell, were they doing with this 10 hours before?! If I’d done that in college, I might not have graduated. Memo to the cosmetics industry: smartphone futzing is cutting into downtime to futz with makeup–get on this!

Recently, I uncovered some clues about the eyelash gluing, which, by the way, is WAY more expensive than purchasing multiple types of mascara. The clues came through a video pitch I had to do for an E-Commerce course I took. I only had one day to prepare my video pitch from concept to upload. Working under assignment deadline pressure from my home office, I did not have any makeup or business attire on. So before I hit “record” I changed my clothing and put on some makeup. I wasn’t really thrilled with the final recorded result, but since I was on deadline with other responsibilities breathing down my neck, and since it was for a business class, not a performance class, I really didn’t stress it. I uploaded it and then had to watch the other student videos as part of the assignment.

That’s when it hit me.

As I watched the 20 year olds in my class give their pitches via webcams with perfect face, eyes, head, and perfect tilt of head to rival any actor, donning only their permanent false eyelashes, hair extensions and a hint of lip color, they were “selfie-ready”.

NOW I understand! Embedded lashes are the perfect accessory for embedding YouTube selfie videos!

Dare I say, and please forgive me beloved Sesame Street, Snuffleupagus, eat your heart out (and I and pray no un-authorized character comes after me in Times Square).

I realized then that makeup, even good, expensive makeup, does not READ on phone/webcams.

I was not “selfie-ready”.

Maybe I’m giving away a little-known, hard-won beauty secret here, but at age 50, I think the social commentary is more important than vanity. I first heard the term “selfie” in June 2013 during a visit with my esteemed colleague, and friend, Rev. Dr. Tami Coyne. I marveled at this pop culture term. We were JUST on the brink of selfie-nation taking over all of our lives, and Tami is always a step ahead of the times. Then the Oscars selfie happened. And here we are! There’s a current TV show titled “Selfie” and my hub bought himself a swanky new digital camera in time for my Big 50 party, which claims to be, yes, “selfie- ready” (it’s really not as we’ve since discovered after many attempts that have made us look more like Voldemort than “ourselfies” haha)

Personally, I still prefer my own eyelashes. They are long, but light, so I like making them longER and more defined with temporary mascara, sometimes even in different colors (yes, even at 50) and I LOVE washing it off at day’s end. But in the meantime, with the culture at large selfie-obsessed and immersed, I also realized that I’m the WORST selfie-taker ever, so I am now avidly practicing to be “selfie-ready always!” false, glued-on lashes or not. The above photo is a recent attempt which I call LeatheryLeoparySelfie–Study #1.

All aboard?

5 thoughts on “Selfie-Ready Always!”

  1. I will never be “selfie- ready” or attain “selfie worthiness”! My goal is not to smile too hard so my crow’s feet will be less noticeable. While attempting to keep my eyes wide open I end up with a frozen “Stepford Wife” look. It’s as if somebody
    stole my soul! I see how the Kardashian girls casually rest a hand on the hip to make the arm look slim. I cannot seem to find the sweet spot for my hand. My arm just looks twisted and awkward. There should be a book called Selfies for Dummies!! Thank goodness for PhotoShop!!

    1. I hear you and I love your candor–lol–your observations are hilarious and spot on. It really is almost impossible to avoid Quasi Modo hunchback contortion especially if your smartphone has a “smart” lens with a mind of its own, and messes with the focus JUST as you get positioned–arrgg! Notice the K clan often uses mirrors in their selfies to avoid this. As the old saying goes, “it’s all smoke and mirrors” that is, false eyelashes and camera phones picking up the nearest reflection–say cheese!

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